by Amanda Meyers
Are you looking for a way to tell a special someone in your social circle that you dislike them immensely? Well what better way to do it than to by passive aggressively attacking them through their own innocent children? If your ill regarded frenemy has offspring, then this is the gift guide for you! Birthdays, holidays, heck just an “I was thinking of you” gesture can now become a way for you to wreak havoc in their lives for your own enjoyment. Happy Shopping!
- Batteries Not Included– A minor inconvenience; Junior wants to play with his new toy but can’t. It’s a small detail that will initiate the erosion of Billy’s belief that his parents are competent providers. Think big with this one. Any parent is likely to have some AAs on hand for this very scenario. Buy a gadget that needs 48 of ‘em or a single Z-77 Astro Battery that only NASA has access. If it doesn’t take 13 weeks to arrive or have to be special ordered through an indifferent teenager at Best Buy- you aren’t trying hard enough.
- Slime: It’s gross, sticky and kids are obsessed with it. Great for carpets, expensive clothing, pets, furniture, carseats and hair. Wait until parents finally work out that last chunk that has been hiding in their precious angel’s hair and then give her some more!
- Science Explosion Kits: Your nemesis will have to spend an entire Saturday carefully laying out towels and plastic wrap to build the 10-foot “make your own volcano” set you gifted them. Ask them to send you a video of the experiment so you can laugh again and again.
- Play furniture sets: Ideal for families living in condos with limited space. Think big and don’t settle for a pretend Ice Cream Stand. If you have the budget, you can fill that bastard’s apartment with the entire Fisher Price Useless and Clunky Appliances collection.
- Pets: Perhaps an exotic fish that needs it’s water changed 3 times a day and a special UV light that can only be purchased from a pet store two towns over. Close your eyes now and imagine your Best Friend For Never having to commit to a lengthy conversation with the condescending sales guy who knows too much about fish and not enough about hygiene every 2-3 months to stock up on more, and hopefully expensive, supplies.
- Musical instruments– Drums are a popular choice, but anything that connects to a speaker works just as well. Make sure to provide the child with a list of annoying YouTube channels to watch religiously to nurture their non-existent talent. Remember- practice makes perfect!
- LEGO: Ideal for kids who are at that wonderful “I want to do it, but I will yell for help the second you leave the room” age. If there is a way you can sneak out some pieces that are integral to the structure and then reseal you have hit the holy grail of “stickin it”.
Be sure to package your purchase in a glitter bag, with glitter tissue paper if possible. Those bad boys will leave a trail throughout their entire home. Rooms that the bag wasn’t even close to will end up with a little sprinkle of sparkle. It’s the gift that keeps on giving- to you.
Enjoy being the hero of the party that you’ll likely never be invited to again!