by Dan Donnelly
BURBANK, CA: Insiders at Walt Disney Studios have confirmed that mega-star Chris Pratt has accepted a $40 million deal to play Donald Duck in a new animated feature because fuck it, nothing matters anymore and we are all going to die anyway.
Pratt, who recently made headlines for being cast as both Nintendo’s Mario and lasagna-loving layabout Garfield on the big screen, is reportedly thrilled to have the opportunity to ruin yet another iconic character just so a cynical megacorporation can cash in on his fleeting celebrity and whatever rapidly diminishing goodwill remains in the hearts of millions of fans worldwide.
“Chris will be playing Donald Duck using his regular speaking voice,” said a spokesperson for Disney who wished to remain anonymous for fear of being mercilessly dragged on Twitter, “not just because he has no experience with or talent for cartoon voice acting, but also because we honestly don’t give a shit as long as having his name attached sells tickets in the Chinese market.”
Sources within the company report that the film, set for release in early 2023, will feature Ryan Reynolds, Bradley Cooper, and Chris Hemsworth as Donald’s nephews Huey, Dewey, and Louie as well as a special appearance by Paul Rudd as Uncle Scrooge.
Pratt’s agent would neither confirm nor deny rumours of contract negotiations for the star to play Scooby Doo, Porky Pig, and Popeye the Sailor in future projects. “All I can say is he’s really been enjoying his veggies lately,” she said with a theatrical wink and a spinach-eating grin.