Unlikely Hero Discovers New Way to Body Shame Women, Saves Fashion Industry

by Darcia Armstrong
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necks are so last season

With the current trend in body positivity and women accepting themselves as they are, it’s next to impossible to find a naturally occurring body body part that the fashion world can pick apart without being blasted for for body shaming.

Blatantly pointing out women’s faces/breasts/hips/ass/stomach and even hands are too big/small/loose/tight/old or pale/dark/patchy has fallen out of favour, and in some cases, caused unprecedented social media uproars. Many in this in this super important industry are questioning how they will cope.

When asked for comment, a prevalent fashion designer, who wished to remain under the cloak of anonymity, had this to say:

“What am I supposed to do now? I’ve built my career on exploiting women’s insecurities and damaging their psyches. It is incredibly unfair that I’m suddenly not allowed to point out how gross women are. And just when beauty filters are reaching their peak, making it easier and faster than ever for women to feel inadequate. How will I survive? At this rate, I’ll only be able to retire to a small yacht, and I’ll be serving sparkling wine instead of champagne. My heart literally breaks for me.”

Luckily, an unlikely hero has come on to the scene. Up-and-coming fashion designer Hank “The Tank” Williams of Canmore, Alberta, has tapped into what may be the only section of a women’s body that is still acceptable to publicly shame; the neck and throat area. When we asked Williams for the origin story behind his genius strategy to market his new line, he had this to say:

“Me and the old lady were up at the cabin, and she was a little chilly. So’s she asks if she can borrow my coat. I’m a gentleman so I says “yeah giver, bud.” The coat’s pretty big on her and I don’t want her to feel self-conscious. I tell her, “hey, at least it covers the old turkey neck, eh?” And that was it, she hasn’t taken the dang thing off since.  About two week’s later, I have my light bulb moment. Let’s make coats for females that hide them turkey necks.”

Williams’ epiphany has made him the darling of fashion circles from Toronto to Paris to Milan, and he’s been invited to collaborate with some of the most exclusive fashion houses.

Fashion analysts and researchers warn that the no-neck jacket trend may be short-lived, and won’t survive the upcoming season. Williams, however, isn’t worried.

“I’m sure a new idea will hit me before then, eh? There’s always gonna be something, y’know? Women.”


necks are so last season

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