Dear Petra Petra,
We all get Spam and Junk Mail from time to time, and most of us dismiss and delete the message, not paying it another thought. When this email came into the BS News inbox with the subject line Dear Crabby, however, I realized that this may not be spam, but rather, a medical grade cry for help. Obviously from someone too embarrassed to reveal their true selves, and who would rather be disguised as utter junk.
Well, my dear Petra Petra from Delft, help has arrived!
I am sorry to hear that you have “Medical-Grade Toenails”, and that you have been living with this condition long enough to cause you to have winding nails, deep nails, two nails, etc. First – barf. Second – reaching out to an advice column was the right thing to do. Why see a Podiatrist or Chiropodist, when you have a fake advice lady that you can turn to? I already know that you make great decisions. Now on to my advice.
My advice is that you take those great decision-making toenails, and put them in some socks. Thick socks. With reinforced toes. You can pick them up at a medical supply store or Mark’s Work Warehouse. You may want to clip them first – the toenails, not the heavy duty foot coverings -so as not to ruin your thick socks. I recall seeing an ad for a medical grade toenail clipper that sounds just right for you, but the product name escapes me. Next step (pardon the pun) Is to put those nasty digits in some shoes. Heavy shoes. Possibly with steel toes. Because, no one will want to see those things, except for a Podiatrist or Chiropodist or someone with a very specific type of foot fetish. And even then…… who knows?
Thank you, Petra Petra; I hope that you, your Podiatrist, and your medical grade toenail clipper will be very happy together.
Do you need some bad life advice that’s sure to make the situation worse? Contact Dear Crabby!