Several days ago, rumours regarding Republican Senator Harry Bullsnack began swirling around the Internet. Accompanying the rumours was grainy video footage, which appeared to show Bullsnack slipping across the carpet of an adult movie theatre while leaving a slimy brown trail in his wake. As quickly as Bullsnack’s trail repelled theatre goers and attracted flies, theories began to mount that the republican rep was, in fact, just three turds stacked on top of each other in a trench coat.
At first, Bullsnack was difficult to get hold of for comment. Unfortunately, his slippery maneuvers only served to heighten suspicion. Demands to remove his trench coat began to overflow across America.
Bullsnack finally agreed to hold a parking lot press conference outside of Mariott Porta Potties & Outdoor Plumbing Supplies.
At first, he remained stubbornly unmoving in his position. “This whole thing stinks!” spouted Bullsnack. “It reeks of democrat desperation, and it’s nothing but hot air being blown around by a bunch of assholes. If you can’t smell the conspiracy, there’s something wrong with your nose.”
Unfortunately, mid-press conference, a questionable brown stain began to trickle down Bullsnack’s forehead. The fly, that once sat atop Mike Pence’s head, now happily nested in Bullsnack’s obvious toupee. The fly’s family also settled in, apparently not there for the media circus but instead to simply enjoy a nice picnic. It was at that point that Bullsnack, who appeared to be shrivelling up in the heat of the afternoon sun, seemingly fell apart.
“FINE,” Bullsnack yelled. “I AM JUST THREE TURDS IN A TRENCHCOAT, HAPPY NOW? LIKE YOU DIDN’T KNOW ALREADY. THE ONLY THING THAT’S DIFFERENT IS YOU DECIDED TO STOP TURNING THE OTHER CHEEK.”
Bullsnack’s announcement to resign is hot on the heels of other republican representatives, party members and business associates called to step down because of such controversies as: begging people to be part of the Capitol riot via robocall, livestreaming themselves participating in the Capitol riot, Spreading Q-Anon conspiracies, allegations of sex trafficking, making pro-Hitler remarks, illicit drug use, misappropriating campaign funds, sexual harassment and, the absolute worst offense of denying the election was stolen from Trump, just to name a few.