By Alice Rose
How Billionaire Astronaut Spent Majority of Landmark Flight Tormenting Younger Brother
Eccentric multi-billionaire and real life Tony-Stark-as-a-Bond-villain, Jeff Bezos, has made history once again. The first passenger spaceflight of Blue Origin, Bezos’ insane juvenile passion project, successfully completed its first flight today, carrying Bezos himself, his younger brother Mark, female aviation pioneer Wally Funk, and some random 18-year-old, more than 100 KM above the earth’s surface.
In a post-flight briefing, Bezos indulged in grandiose musings of enlightenment and progress after having felt the weightlessness of atmospheric space for the first time. At the peak of this journey, Bezos claimed to have been spiritually moved, having seen for the first time the curvature of the earth, the expanse of human civilization, and the breadth of his own ego.
However, the other members of the Blue Origin crew tell an altogether different tale of the ship’s voyage. Bezos’ younger brother, Mark, a marketing and advertising executive-turned-supervillain sidekick, divulged a very different narrative of today’s record-breaking flight, in an exclusive interview with BS News.
“Remember all those family road trips when you were younger, and you were forced to share the back seat with your obnoxious older brother?” asked Bezos the younger. “Now imagine of your spoiled brat older brother was the wealthiest man in the history of human civilization… It’s a very different experience.”
When asked about her experience with the Bezos brothers, Wally Funk described the pair as “squabbling shit bags, the both of ‘em. Couldn’t get along for even a minute to enjoy the scenery. They ruined it for the rest of us, really.”
Funk also expressed disappointment in the flight, explaining that the planned flight was to reach 180 KM into space, but after warning the Bezos siblings to stop fighting or she would turn the space craft around, she felt pressured by Blue Origin’s director of astronaut and orbital sales Ariane Cornell to follow through.
Funk elaborated that, while the autonomously piloted spacecraft completed the voyage flawlessly, the trip itself highlighted several concerns within the shuttle that will need to be addressed for future passenger flights. Among these issues is passenger comfort and leg room.
“His foot was on my side of the rocket the whole time,” Jeff Bezos exclaimed. “If it’s in my ‘bubble’ I have every right to kick it.” The elder Bezos, however, refused to comment on the accusations that he called Punch Buggy twice, even though there were absolutely no punch buggies in space.
Additionally, ground control members are urging Bezos to consider revising his policies on on-board provisions. New Shepard architect Gary Lai told sources that, during the entire flight, nav-com was severely interrupted by “childish bickering’ during key moments of the flight. It seems that, although the passengers were explicitly forbidden from bringing food or beverages into the craft, Jeff managed to bring a “whole thing” of white cheddar Goldfish crackers on board, and shared them with every passenger except Mark.
Jeff Bezos had hoped that the inaugural flight of the Blue Origin space craft would be the first private flight beyond our atmosphere, but was beat by only nine days by alter-billionaire and certified arch-nemesis Richard Branson of Virgin Galactic. However, Bezos still has plenty of landmarks to celebrate today; among them being the first civilian astronaut to reach the 100 KM mark, the first person to pilot an enormous microphallus into space, and the first person to successfully man a spacecraft fueled on the alternate energy sources of unfair labour practices and extreme wealth disparity.