written by Bee Bertrand
I love Hallmark movies. I want to write Hallmark movies. The cliches, the consistency, the Big City excitement and the Small Town spirit. I can’t get enough. This is every Hallmark movie.
This is every single Hallmark movie 1.
Tripp: “You must be my new intern. I’m your boss, Tripp.”
Rebecklace: “I’m your new intern, Rebecklace. It’s so exciting being in the Big City. I usually spend the holidays working on my family’s Christmas tree farm.”
Tripp: “Have those papers on my desk by five, Rebecklace! And stop giving me a glimpse into your charming life. My wife is dead and I cannot fall in love again.”
Rebecklace: “I don’t have time for romance, I have to write my column.”
Tripp: “I need my Santa costume picked up from the dry cleaners, and then I need you to pick up my package from the Christmas card factory by five.”
Rebecklace inner monologue: Grrrrr what a tyrant, the only reason I’m here is to get my best seller published.
Tripp, answering telephone: “What?? My mother’s fallen on some ice and her only wish is for me to bring a date to the hospital?? I’ll be right there.”
Rebecklace: “I’ve never known a love like this.”
This is every single Hallmark movie 2.
Kayphanie: “Man I can’t wait to start my new job at the Christmas tree factory. It’ll be a nice change from all the hustle and bustle of being a CEO in New York City.”
Blaynathan: “Howdy ma’am, welcome to Snowflake Valley. I shine saddles and lift hay at Old McDonald’s ranch next door. Let me know if you need anything.”
Kayphanie, inner monologue: He is stunning but my family would be devastated if I wed a laborer.
Blaynathan: “I don’t mean to overstep, but do you have a date for the Holiday Ball? I’ve been teaching myself how to dance with all the free time I have now, ever since my whole family died.”
Kayphanie: “I don’t have time to dance. I have to help children make hot chocolate at the sick hospital.”
Blaynathan: “… my family owns a hot chocolate factory. Not bad for a small town ranch hand.”
Kayphanie: “Kiss my mouth.”
This is every single Hallmark movie 3.
Reg, 50 years old: “Oh man, thank you so much for baking all these cookies for the Big Spring Mixer. A pilot like me just doesn’t have the time.”
Jantice: “I love using the stove. It’s a nice distraction from stewing about my broken engagement to Dirk Stewart.”
Reg: “Well now I owe you for the shortbreads, and for the time you helped me pass calculus.”
Jantice, turning around to a room filled with 600 people: “For the next 15 minutes, drinks are on me!”
Everyone: “HAH HAH HAH HAH HAH A CHRISTMAS HELPER!!”
This is every Hallmark movie 4.
Gum: “I made dinner for everyone but my sister said it should come with a warning label!”
Pelt: “Ya, I think I’ll fill up on bread! Hah hah hah hah.”
Gum: “Ya I can’t do ANYTHING right! Hah hah hah let’s talk about the merger.”
Pelt: “Oh boy we are standing underneath the mistletoe! I hope you didn’t bake that too or it would taste bad! Hah hah hah.”
Gum: “Oh fuck all the pies in the microwave are on fire!”
This is every Hallmark movie 5.
Kerp: “Aw rats I get so overwhelmed trying to choose outfits for myself at the clothing store! My dead wife used to help me with these decisions.”
Gay Daniel: “That colour makes your eyes look like a clean swimming pool, sweetie! My boyfriend is the Mayor.”
Kerp: “Thanks Gay Daniel. I wish I had style like you and your people. I’ll take that scarf and maybe that cufflink. I need to look really nice for the literary convention in Pinecone Cove.”
Gay Daniel: “I’ll give you my store discount. Anything for the widow of my deceased former best friend Karthylee.”
This is every Hallmark movie 6.
Darrickt: “This Seasonal Party at Town Hall always puts me in the seasonal spirit.”
Gwendolphin: “I know! I’d better slow down, I’m almost finished my first cocktail.”
Darrickt: “I can’t believe the caterer forgot all the fucking cheeses! That’s what I get for hiring my mother.”
Gwendolphin: “That’s okay, all the meats are still here and warm.”
*Band starts to play*
Gwen: “Oh my gosh, is that…”
Darrickt: “Yup. Had to call in a favour, but in elementary school I helped the lead singer pass Calculus.”
Gwendolphin: “I can’t believe you got Chop Simpson and the Mashed Potatoes Troop!”
This is every Hallmark movie 7.
Tape: “I found this picture of my Grandmother wearing her wedding dress, and I want to replicate it exactly for my bridal look.”
Messicka: “Oh my gosh she looked so beautiful on her special day! You will look like a princess in those old drapes.”
Tape: “I wish I had spent more time learning how to sew and less time decorating for Christmas. I’ll never be able to afford this garment.”
Messicka: “Tape, this town loves you, and more than anything they want you to find a husband. The first step is making you this dress.”
*Whole town donates all their old garbage and scraps to make Tape’s dream dress*
Markoff: “Tape, you look stunning. Why did I never notice you before when you weren’t wearing that dress? I’ve been your salty landlord for thirteen years.”
*Markoff and Tape get married underneath the town’s oldest pinecone. Everybody cries, a child is reanimated with hope*
This is every Hallmark movie 8.
*green screen of a huge auditorium*
Wynonna Judd: “Yup this’ll do for our Christmas charity concert.”
Cereal: “WOW WYNONNA JUDD I always watch your specials every year! This is wild!”
Wynonna: “Thanks Cereal. But I read your review in your column and you said my show last year was a borefest.”
Cereal: “That’s because I was sad and felt stagnant in my career. They gave the Big Promotion to Charlop. I’m sorry you’re my hero.”
*Cereal is clumsy and knocks over a table and ink goes all over Wynonna’s face and hair*
Wynonna Judd: “You are so quirky you lil nut. I’d like you to go on tour with me and review all the best apple ciders in everyone’s cups.”
Cereal, literally shaking: “Hot dog! I love living in Cobblestone Park Town. I guess I’ll have to quit my job as a Calculus tutor.”
This is every Hallmark movie 9.
*Margrat, singing into a hairbrush, jumping on her bed. She is singing in a singsong voice. She is 42.*
“I can’t believe I finally got the Big Record deal! I’m so excited I’m going to squeal!”
*Margrat settles down and climbs off bed*
“For three weeks, day and night I have learned how to sing and did gigs at dingey bars. All my grinding has paid off and I’m deserving of this.”
*Stone enters the room*
“I should have fought harder for you.”
This is every Hallmark movie 10.
Detective Burns: “There’s been another graffiti at the library. Did you see anything suspicious, ma’am?”
Rice: “No I was doing Calculus just in case, and I was singing Christmas carols in my home and I haven’t been at the library since 7am this morning.”
Detective: “Better lock your door, Ms. Pudding. Can’t be too careful nowadays. If you see anyone with paint on their blouse, give me a call immediately.” *hands Rice a card with business information*
Rice, physically shaking: “Absolutely Detective. I remember when Garland Township used to be safe. I’ll alert my husband, he’s just in the bathtub washing paint from his arms…”
*Rice and Detective Burns pause, lock eyes, and let the reality of the situation set in. Both start shaking*