We all have picked up a few bad habits throughout the pandemic, right? Some of us stopped our exercise routine, we use our phones too much, or maybe we order more take out now than before. Some of us even turned thirty, which is hard to admit.
If this is you, and you’re having trouble telling your pre-pandemic friends that you’re no longer in your twenties, don’t worry! We have a few tips to actually avoid turning 30, while continuing to live a full, happy life. Bonus points if you’re a woman; you’re really going to need this list because, ew. Thirty? You should be ashamed. You’re using incognito mode, right?
1. Don’t tell anyone that Th*rty happened to you.
This is a tried-and-true method women have been using for years. Just lie about your age because, even though your age is out of your control, it is pointless to try to influence the inevitable toll of time’s bell, and although age is the one thing that everyone lucky enough to be alive will experience, aging is obviously gross.
2. Facetune Apps:
If you’re still in a region of the world where vaccinations haven’t reached the general public, rejoice! We know that a pandemic might seem like the worse option, but take into consideration the silver lining that your existence is primarily still online, and therefore you can live out the fallacy of facetune apps that smooth your skin and slim your waist. You didn’t log onto a Zoom call without the “touch-up appearance” feature on did you? Jesus, you’re out of control. Hire a PR manager.
This is self explanatory and frankly should be considered a food group in our opinion!
4. Identity Theft:
This one is often overlooked, and we here at BS News don’t understand why! Just comb the obituaries for someone who was lucky enough to die before 30, steal their identity, and repeat the process every few years until either you go to jail, or you forget your own age.
This one is a little radical, and we don’t actually see the point of the step, but our editor told us that we should include it to avoid being cancelled by the olds. Honestly, if you can accept your inevitable shuffle along this mortal coil we applaud you, but you can’t sit with us.