Rage Against the Machine Officially Downgraded to Bubblegum Pop

by Darcia Armstrong
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RATM satire

Rage Against the Machine experienced widespread success with their debut, self-titled 1992 album being ranked in Rolling Stone’s Top 500 Albums of All Time. But does any of that matter now, given the egregious cultural appropriation displayed by Zach De La Rocha thirty years ago?

Demands began circulating for the wildly popular 90s band to be “cancelled” after unfortunate photos of Rage Against The Machine front man De La Rocha clearly sporting dreadlocks began circulating  – photos that have been widely available since the 1990’s but were only just recently discovered by Millennials and Gen Z.

“YOU. CANNOT. HAVE. DREADS. AND. STILL. BE. AN. ALLY” tweeted @StarbuxOrDeath.

Representatives of Gen X immediately jumped to the band’s defense.

“Have you even listened to one song? ONE F***ING SONG? Cancelling ROTM makes zero sense, you f***ing idiots” Tweeted @WhoTFRUnow

Even the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame may or may not have weighed in.

 Whew, I am so glad we did not accept their 2017, 2018, 2019, and 2021 nominations into the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame,” said a possible board member who agreed to speak with BS News on condition of anonymity. “I mean, at the time we kept voting no because we strongly disagreed with their stances on anti-poverty, abolishing the police and political accountability. Now, however, we learn that frontman Zach De La Rocha had dreadlocks? Well, that is the real stuff of 2021 PR nightmares! We wouldn’t want to touch that with a BLM banner topped, rainbow wrapped 10-foot pole.

As the generational twitter war raged, @starbuxordeath, and many other twitter accounts with a befuddling amount of power were effectively shamed into performing “independent research”. After visiting highly reputable sites as azlyrics.com. It was conceded that “cancelling” Rage entirely might be a smidge over the line. With cancellation off the table, it was still, however, necessary to dole out some form of outrage-based punishment towards the band.  As such:

Rage Against the Machine, formed in the 1990’s seemingly for the sole purpose of exposing political corruption, racial injustices, wealth and other social inequities running rampant throughout America, has lost their revolutionary political rock band status. Their activism-fueled messages were, and still will be, heard loud and clear around the world.

Despite Rage Against The Machine’s clear influence of rock, punk, funk, hip-hop and metal, the band will henceforth be officially categorized as “Bubblegum Pop”.

In response to this decision, @starbuxordeath told BS News, “I guess it’s a good compromise.  I mean, sure, Rage Against The Machine helped educate an entire generation about some super important issues but, like, that generation is super old now so whatever.”

@WhoTFRUnow opined, “I DGAF what genre they’re classified under. Their songs still resonate and the lyrics truly are ‘timeless’ because America still hasn’t solved any of the issues that Rage sang about in the 90s, and never will. Take The Power Back or Killing in the Name Of  will always be there for us… As we lay on our blown-out air mattresses in our $2800 a month basement closets that we pretend is a studio. I mean, how else would I cover the sounds of my nightly rage-fueled temper tantrums? With my emotional support pillow? That thing’s f***ing useless.”

BS News reached out to a random white guy with dreads, Zen David Smith, for his opinion of the band’s near cancellation.  Zen tucked a stray gray-blonde dreadlock into his yellow, red and green knit cap before answering,

Okay wow. They we considering cancelling Rage because of Zach’s appearance and personal choices? Who the f***k do they think they are, man? Whoa, wait. Is…Is this what I’ve been doing to people? Cancelling them because of what they look like and how they live? It seems so unfair and unnecessary now that it’s happening to someone similar to me. It’s almost like it kinda affects me, too… I dunno, maybe…we should all just accept people’s differences instead of trying to cancel each other?…

After seemingly pondering his epiphany for a few moments, Smith, shook his head and said, “No wait. It’s totally different. I’m right, everyone else is just stupid and way outta line. I hope they all die in a fire, y’know?

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