written by Dan Donnelly
HALIFAX, NS (May 19) – A researcher at Dalhousie University claims to have “definitively and once and for all” resolved the lingering scientific question over the supposed health benefits of red wine. “It’s a f—in’ miracle,” said Dr. Brendan Doherty, wiping a stray drop of tzatziki from his chin and attempting unsuccessfully to toss a crumpled donair wrapper into a nearby trash bin.
Doherty, whose doctorate is in Russian Literature but who developed a “significant professional interest” in the benefits of red wine while grading “thousands of absolutely abysmal essays” as a graduate student, will be publishing the findings of a rigorous autoethnographic study in an upcoming issue of the Journal of the Gallo Institute for Oenological Encomia.
“I mean, look at me,” he continued, tottering alarmingly in his office chair and nearly knocking several research specimens to the floor, “I’ve never felt better in my whole g—damn life! I’m f—in’ invicible!”
Doherty, who received a generous grant from the Nova Scotia Liquor Corporation for this project and a related one in which he studied the self-reported effects of wine on several undergraduate volunteers, says that his work to date has formed only the first step in a much more comprehensive and potentially transformative research plan: “In Phase II I plan to call my ex-wife and beg her to come back to me,” he said, wiping tears from his eyes with a soiled napkin. “We were so good for each other, and besides, Jerry’s such a f—in’ douche going around in that Mazda convertible like he’s better than me jus’ because he sold out and went into IT.”
UPDATE AND CORRECTION (May 20): During a follow-up conversation the next morning, Doherty reported that he “made the biggest mistake of his life last night,” feels like “hot garbage in a trash compacter,“ and further claims he “will never drink again.” His article for the JGIOE has been voluntarily withdrawn.