Dear Crabby, How do I cope during COVID with no effort?

by bsmedia
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bad online advice from dear crabby

Dear Crabby, It’s tough to stay motivated during a pandemic. How do I stay healthy during COVID whilst practicing little to no self-control, and not being open to change?

Dear No Self Control,

I hear ya, NSC. Who wants to show any modicum of self-control or develop into an even slightly better version of themself in a time like this? Insane people, that’s who. Are you a insane yet? NO? Then let me just say that by steering clear of the being-your-best-self bullshit, you’re already moving in the right direction towards a healthy you. Let’s keep your momentum going with just a couple of itsy-bitsy half-steps.

First, determine your goal. Do you want to be mentally or physically healthy? Pick one because if you try to pick both, you will literally implode. That is actual science.

Next, find the path of least resistance. What is the most entertaining non-self-destructive thing you can do right now with as little physical or mental strain as possible? Off the top of my head, here are a few of my personal suggestions:

  • Walk to the window.
  1. Shout obscenities at pigeons and/or squirrels.
  2. Duck below the window pane real quick so they don’t see you.
  3. Repeat.
  4. Congrats, you’re now doing squats.
  • Contact friends who speak a language other than your own.
  1. Ask them how you say, “I know what you just said, and you should be ashamed of yourself.”
  2. Practice every day until you have the sentences down pat in all languages.
  3. Wait in anticipation. One day, you will leave your apartment again and you will be able to randomly say this to a group of strangers before flouncing off. It will be awesome.
  4. Congrats, you now have something fun to look forward to.
  • Take those half-rotten frozen bananas out of your freezer.
  1. Finally make the damn banana bread.
  2. Just kidding, throw those bad boys in the green bin where they belong.
  3. Congrats, you just Marie Kondo’d the shit outta your freezer.

My point is, whether you choose to take me up on my suggestions or find your own amusements, it’s all good. If you gain a little weight, it’s fine. If you skip showering for a few days, does it really matter in the grand scheme of things? As long as you can do those little itsy-bitsy half steps that remind you that you’re still you, you’re handling this pandemic well and I’m proud of you, NSC.


bad online advice from dear crabbyDear Crabby is a lady who doles out terrible awesome advice on the regular. Her only credentials are that she’s old and has done a lot of effed up shit in her life. If you follow her advice, you’re virtually guaranteed to make it worse but you’ll have a lot more fun, which, in her opinion, makes it worth it.

If you need life advice, relationship advice, big decision advice or whatever, email contact@bs-media with Dear Crabby in the subject line.

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